Monday, October 22, 2007

now tell me where...



-now tell me where it all went wrong...

-been thinking about my situation lately. after quitting my job, thinking about a lot of things. a new job? do i want to keep working in bars? what else can i do? should i go back to school? what follows is a bit of a conversation i had with a friend of mine, near the same age as me, who is back at school right now, in first year at university...

me: i've been thinking about maybe going back to school to. the idea sort of frightens me - at this age - which is partly why i want to do it.

friend: You should. It's fucking terrifying though. I won't sugarcoat it. I mean there's lots of good, but I take things far too serious and have so much trouble focusing. Fuck it, if you have something better to do, don't. Otherwise enroll.

me: what are you studying?

friend: I'm just in general first year university, but I plan on transferring into communications.

me: at our age, i commend you for taking this on. good on you. that's where i would have to begin as well, as i don't have any type of degree or anything.

friend: I dropped out of community college after term 1 when I was 19. Never planned on going back, but I'm sick of feeling uneducated. And sitting at the kids table.

me: strange, but i'm having similar feelings. i'm a smart guy, high iq, but uneducated. feels weird sometimes. lately i've just been having these feelings like, "i'm BETTER than this..."

friend: Yeah, those are the ones that pushed me to my decision. Do it.

me: yeah man. i feel like i gotta do something. while many of my friends from school chose the intellectual path, i wanted to explore the entertainment world, as you know. but after a decade of that, i am over it. i mean, i still love art, making music, performing, etc., but i want absolutely nothing to do with having a "career" in entertainment... working at a label/management company/booking agency/publicity firm/etc. which is really the only "career" that i am qualified for now. it feels strange, like i've painted myself into a bit of a corner, and now i look back on ten years and say "how did i end up here?" then it hits me, "oh yeah..."

now, i feel as though my whole attitude towards the world and my life is changing. for ten years i lived a very self-centric lifestyle. i think it was a result of growing up in poverty: when i hit my 20s and finally started to actually "have money," i went overboard. for the first time in my life, i could BUY SHIT. so i DID. lots of shit. too much shit. expensive dinners? name-brand clothes? rounds of premium drinks at the bar? designer drugs? extended vacations? i did all of it. and then i burnt out. realized i didn't want to play the game anymore. felt empty inside. threw out my logo clothing. gave away most of my possessions. quit all of my jobs. went back to working in a bar. started writing songs again. picked up a paint brush for the first time in 20 years. put out an album. went on tour. felt GOOD. the artist part of me was alive again.

and now, i have this growing feeling inside of me that i want to do some good in the world. i don't want to live for ME anymore. i don't care about money, i never really have. i don't need to make a lot. i can live simply. but i want to help. i want to feel as if what i am doing with my life is making the world a better place. i want to GIVE. i'm just not sure where to start.

do i go back to school in hopes that i will find some inspiring intellectual pursuits that will lead to some sort of beneficial work? do i keep working at a bar and save my money until i have enough to go somewhere and do something? do i just keep making music and acting and painting and hope that somewhere along the way this will lead to some good? i have no idea. i am feeling pretty lost right now. i'll just have to keep meditating on all of this until an answer presents itself...

a
-transparent mac screens. cool shit.
-you've probably already seen these guys.
-new j-live song. "feel like spittin'."
-situation.
-southwardbound (my friend elise's blog).

3 comments:

élise said...

oh but ryan, my blog is so lame lately. all i talk about is poop and making out. now i'll have to write something really good, knowing that you are reading.

you and sarah should get on down here!

Travis said...

I'm 34 and still trying to get a degree...its not easy, but at this day in age, unless you got some kind of a niche, its just going to be hard as hell without a degree

エミ said...

very nice blog ryan. i feel the same way sometimes.