my dead dog dream...

(painting from here.)

what a fucked up dream this was to wake up to today...

i'm at a bar i used to work at for an art show/party. i'm there to bar tend as well as do a series of paintings on the wall throughout the night. we cover sections of the wall in tinfoil which i'm going to paint on. next thing, the place is full, and i'm drawing what seems like a neverending series of dogs mouths, coming out of other dogs mouths. there is some kind of disturbance that i can't remember right now. i'm in the back room. people are sitting around on couches, smoking. a half a dozen people or so. next thing i'm looking at some piece of paper, talking to somebody about how this is my last bar shift, as i've gotten a job at the zoo. they said "what do you do there?" and i say "i'm the animal calmer downer and the animal energizerer..." (or something like that.) i'm talking about how i can talk to animals and understand what they're going through and talk to them to chill them out if they're freaking out, or pick them up if they're feeling down. i'm then talking to three east indian people, two brothers and a sister, who are vets. there is something in the discussion about how i am not a vet and i'm filling out this form and i don't know any of the answers or have any proper medical/vet training and maybe i'm not qualified for this job after all. then i'm outside, with two other people. a man and a woman. (i can't remember now who they are.) we watch a rabbit run by. we're sitting on a bank, in the woods, along a river trail. then a bear comes running out of a hole in the ground to give chase to the rabbit. it's like we're studying the behaviour of the animals or something. the animals take off, and then they're back, and we watch the bear and the rabbit in an out of the bushes in front of us. the bear catches the rabbit, the rabbit gets away again. it goes on and on. finally the rabbit escapes. the bear is standing there, looking at us. the three of us sit there, the man on my left, the woman on my right, the bear approaching from the left. i tell them to be quiet. the bear is looking dead into my eyes. i can tell it is coming to me. i close my eyes. i can feel it, inches away from me. i put my right hand over the left side of my neck to cover it. the bear grabs over my arm with it's mouth. i can feel it's mouth and warm body and warmth and large size. my eyes are closed. i think i might die. i hear my friend on the left say "on the count of three, i want you to scream as loud as you can." i hear him count. one. two. three. i feel a sudden pull as the bear and i are being dragged. i start screaming. next thing we're inside the bar again. they pull the bear off me. i pick up a bar stool and begin beating the bear with it. i'm inside the bar, just a few people are there. the bear is trying to get away. i pick up a knife. the bear is in a long room towards an exit door. i grab the bear by the back of its neck, drag it back into the main bar room. i know i have to kill it. i am going to slash it's throat. it is now a dog. i want to do this as humanely as possible. one cut. right across. through the jugular. it takes me a few tries. three, i think. i finally make that slice. i feel bad for the dog eadch time i try, i know i am inflicting pain on it. (even now, remembering the dream, i can feel the texture of it's throat, the pulling of the knife, hear the sound of the tearing. it gives me the shivers just thinking about it.) i drop the dog to the ground, it rolls over, facing up. it's eyes are darting around as it bleeds. it is now a woman i know, named *****. she is laying there, bleeding to death, eyes darting around in her last moment as she can't say a word. she doesn't look at me. she just looks at death. she is wearing a ski outfit, as if she just came in from skiing. i stand there and think about the moment that she is experiencing, watching her eyes, what it is like to be there, to know, that this is your end, and not be able to do anything about it. to know all of that. to know what must be everything and nothing all at once. your whole life reduced to an instant that may or may not feel like a lifetime in itself. i wake up...

this is one of the strangest dreams i've had in a long time. i emailed the woman i know, the one in my dream, to see that all is okay with her. she emailed back, and said life is good. thank god. i did not tell her the details of my dream. i just asked her to be careful for a little while. and to keep an eye on dogs and bears, if they should enter her life. what a horrible dream. what a terrible feeling...