now tell me where...

-now tell me where it all went wrong...

-been thinking about my situation lately. after quitting my job, thinking about a lot of things. a new job? do i want to keep working in bars? what else can i do? should i go back to school? what follows is a bit of a conversation i had with a friend of mine, near the same age as me, who is back at school right now, in first year at university...

me: i've been thinking about maybe going back to school to. the idea sort of frightens me - at this age - which is partly why i want to do it.

friend: You should. It's fucking terrifying though. I won't sugarcoat it. I mean there's lots of good, but I take things far too serious and have so much trouble focusing. Fuck it, if you have something better to do, don't. Otherwise enroll.

me: what are you studying?

friend: I'm just in general first year university, but I plan on transferring into communications.

me: at our age, i commend you for taking this on. good on you. that's where i would have to begin as well, as i don't have any type of degree or anything.

friend: I dropped out of community college after term 1 when I was 19. Never planned on going back, but I'm sick of feeling uneducated. And sitting at the kids table.

me: strange, but i'm having similar feelings. i'm a smart guy, high iq, but uneducated. feels weird sometimes. lately i've just been having these feelings like, "i'm BETTER than this..."

friend: Yeah, those are the ones that pushed me to my decision. Do it.

me: yeah man. i feel like i gotta do something. while many of my friends from school chose the intellectual path, i wanted to explore the entertainment world, as you know. but after a decade of that, i am over it. i mean, i still love art, making music, performing, etc., but i want absolutely nothing to do with having a "career" in entertainment... working at a label/management company/booking agency/publicity firm/etc. which is really the only "career" that i am qualified for now. it feels strange, like i've painted myself into a bit of a corner, and now i look back on ten years and say "how did i end up here?" then it hits me, "oh yeah..."

now, i feel as though my whole attitude towards the world and my life is changing. for ten years i lived a very self-centric lifestyle. i think it was a result of growing up in poverty: when i hit my 20s and finally started to actually "have money," i went overboard. for the first time in my life, i could BUY SHIT. so i DID. lots of shit. too much shit. expensive dinners? name-brand clothes? rounds of premium drinks at the bar? designer drugs? extended vacations? i did all of it. and then i burnt out. realized i didn't want to play the game anymore. felt empty inside. threw out my logo clothing. gave away most of my possessions. quit all of my jobs. went back to working in a bar. started writing songs again. picked up a paint brush for the first time in 20 years. put out an album. went on tour. felt GOOD. the artist part of me was alive again.

and now, i have this growing feeling inside of me that i want to do some good in the world. i don't want to live for ME anymore. i don't care about money, i never really have. i don't need to make a lot. i can live simply. but i want to help. i want to feel as if what i am doing with my life is making the world a better place. i want to GIVE. i'm just not sure where to start.

do i go back to school in hopes that i will find some inspiring intellectual pursuits that will lead to some sort of beneficial work? do i keep working at a bar and save my money until i have enough to go somewhere and do something? do i just keep making music and acting and painting and hope that somewhere along the way this will lead to some good? i have no idea. i am feeling pretty lost right now. i'll just have to keep meditating on all of this until an answer presents itself...

a
-transparent mac screens. cool shit.
-you've probably already seen these guys.
-new j-live song. "feel like spittin'."
-situation.
-southwardbound (my friend elise's blog).