out of the fryer...

art show last night. chicken wings and veggies. 90s rap music. had my first moment of selling a piece i didn't want to let go. gave me a strange feeling. there was one piece, one, that i didn't want to let go of. i wanted to keep. all the others, whatever. sell, sell, sell, i don't care. this one, no, i needed it. it said something to me. dude comes up to me to buy it. i hesitate. it's on the wall. there's a price on it. why won't i sell it? this is gonna happen, there are always going to be ones you don't want to part with. it's part of being an artist. he says all this to me. i don't know. he says think about it. he walks away. i think about it. i want to keep it. of all of them, it's the one i want to keep the most. then i realize, this is art. this is a feeling. this one particular piece gives me a feeling inside. the other ones, sure, they look okay, they're maybe not bad, but there's no feeling in them. this one though, there's something about it. i'm not even sure what it is. he wants it. so do it. i want to keep it. the fact that i don't want to part with it is precisely the reason why i decide to let it go. i don't want there to be grasping in my life. i don't want to be somebody who holds on to things. things are meant to go. movies, music, people buy things and you still have them. this, this, there is only one, and there will only ever be, and you will never see it again. and it makes sense to me, if this is the one that gives me a feeling, that it would give someone else a feeling. i'm not saying i don't like the other ones, he says, but i want to buy this one. sold. we shake hands. i'm breaking out into a cold sweat. i have empty feeling in my gut, like part of my stomach is missing. light-headed. dizzy. i have to go outside and get some air. i can't speak. i'm numb. this is what it's like to sell your first painting. other ones had sold before, but this, this was different. this was my first. this one counted. this was my emotions. this was part of my soul. this was something entirely. this wasn't just something that looked kind of cool. now i know what it feels like. if i never sell another painting in my life, i've had this feeling. i've experienced it. it hurt me. i feel free.